My Plan Is Not His Plan 📜✝️

Letting Go of My Ability to Provide

A couple years before my husband went home to be with Jesus, the Lord asked me to surrender my professional license, i.e. give up my ability to make money and provide for myself. I knew it was what God was asking me to do, but my husband was not on board with this plan. He expected me to contribute to the household income.

I began slowing down the hours, praying, and asking God to move his heart. Or to change mine if this was wrong.

The reality of this request was way more difficult for me than it was for my husband. My mom was just thirty years old when my dad left this earth and she was a single mom with three children ages 7-11. She found herself thrust into the role of breadwinner. As I watched her struggle, I had made an internal agreement then that I would always be able to care for myself and children. I would not put myself in that position.

Breaking the Lie of Self-Reliance

As I gave birth, I reinforced that agreement as my love and responsibility for her was beyond anything I had ever experienced. I would spend my life taking care of her and any other children we were blessed with.

God was ready to break that lie and show me that He is a good provider. I thought he was asking me to be dependent on my husband. Ultimately, he was asking me to be dependent on Him. While I knew that was Truth according to the Bible. It was not my reality. He was in the process of a huge transformation switch.

One step at a time. Eventually, I surrendered and let my license lapse. It would still take some time for me to understand that He is my provider. I wanted to help.

Facing Widowhood and Old Fears

As the reality of being a widow began to set in, I knew I had to figure out how to provide for myself (HaHa!) This was the exact scenario I set out to avoid decades ago.

I gave myself three months to grieve a thirty-four year relationship and then was preparing to open a new business. I did all my due diligence, was earthly wise, informed and equipped. I was passionate about the business and thought it would be fulfilling as well as good for me. And it would bring in income. I spoke with others and even began recruiting potential assistance.

I received the contracts and was very excited. Giddy even. The promise of a new future.
Before signing, I took 24 hours to pray and be sure this is what God wanted for me. I knew it was what I wanted. “No!” he said.

A Clear “No” from God

No? What am I going to do? How am I going to provide for myself?

Again, he simply said no. And so I didn’t sign the papers.

I realize now that I was once again trying to create my future instead of waiting on him to lay it out for me. This wasn’t his promise. This was my doing. And most importantly, it was not what he wanted for me.

Waiting for further instructions, I began cleaning out the house, purging unnecessary things and trying to set myself up to be ready for the future. His path and his timing were not mine.

Unexpected Setback: The Motorcycle Accident

Just a few months later, in the midst of a fast, I was involved in a motorcycle accident. While I avoided surgery, the rehab was painful and would take months. This, too, was not part of my plan. I needed to take care of myself.

I quickly became dependent on friends to bathe me, assist me with getting dressed, and even the simplest of hygiene was painful. Cooking was impossible. I couldn’t even open a bottle of water or gatorade to take my medications.

Learning to Accept Help

I knew that I had to recover. I still had the mindset that I had to be able to take care of myself. I cried through the therapy telling my therapist to do whatever was necessary to help me recover. I would do the same. I religiously did every exercise asked of me.

There was a day mid recovery that the pain was so great that I couldn’t stand it. I asked the therapist for a moment and prayed. The Lord replied, “Worship me.”

I took a deep breath, told the therapist to continue and began praying and singing. My focus was all on God. The therapist continued what he was doing, but I was focused on the Lord. I intentionally kept my focus on Him. My change of perspective allowed the pain to be diminished mentally. This would become an invaluable lesson for God’s future plan for me.

Strengthening Faith Through Recovery

As recovery progressed, I continued with my disciplines of the faith. Reading my Bible, Praying, Worshipping. I continued encouraging and mentoring others. I continued walking through the pain of grief and the pain of recovery. I continued trusting God as I didn’t know what else to do. He was stretching the muscles of trust and faith.

This was the beginning of a five-year plan that would rock my world unlike anything ever had. It started with a huge blessing.